Oh, Windy Nights...

I'm a firm believer in Karma. I'm also a firm believer that mine is broken. I've put in the time dating guys that string me along, don't care about me and/or use me. I've grown as a person, raised my standards, gained so much self respect. I can say now that I am a valuable individual with so much to offer another person and any guy would be lucky to have me give them my heart.






That being said, I seem to only attract douche bags and their disguises just keep getting better. They can be nice for months at a time and then suddenly, I flip them. In the words of Cat Power: "Where is my love?" Don't I deserve the great relationships I see my girlfriends have? Haven't I earned a guy that actually really does like me? Haven't I paid my debt? Where is MY love?

I've come to the conclusion that...

...Attraction is purely related to what you are used to. For example, I am used to getting guys that are the popular, universally attractive douche bags that girls want. I have dated several guys that were very popular, at least in high school, and now I'm used to that level of physical beauty in a guy. I don't entertain the idea that I am any sort of special beauty, in fact I think I'm quite average. But being used to those guys makes me feel snobby and stuck-up. I promise I'm not.

...One of the most important things a person can do with their life is live it.

...I feel better focusing on the fact that he kissed me rather than the zillions of doubts I have in my head.

...No matter how much "stuff" you do or do not have, moving is HELL.

...There is never a good excuse for Wal*Mart.

...The most valuable thing someone can own is a true friend who loves you even though you walk around in your underwear and leave the room completely messy.

...I like him. No matter what he feels, I like him.

...I would definitely make out with C but would never ever date him.

...I could never date a pretty-boy

...I will live how she would have liked to see me live. I will remember everything she taught me. I will slow down and recognize the beauty she tried to show me.

Timeframe of Worry

She left almost 5 hours ago. We haven't known this guy for long. Should I worry at 2 am? 3? 4? What if something happens? Does that make me partially responsible? What if something really did happen? How could I live with that? She won't answer, won't respond.. What if she does something she regrets? Should I call again? Am I being paranoid? Would she do this for me? Yes. Would she be worried? Yes. What if it's as simple as she fell asleep on accident or purpose with him? Is she thinking with her head or with his? She should be back now. I can't sleep. I know where he lives.. it's almost 4. Should I go be the hero? No. But I worry. I think she should be back by now and she isn't and what happens if she doesn't come back? He seems like such a nice guy, I'm almost sure she's fine. Almost. What if she isn't? What happens then? I've watched the clock since 1. She was worried the night I didn't come home until 4. Why wouldn't she just simply say, "take me home now, please?" I wonder where she is... She needs sleep. She has work in the morning. I can sleep in but she has to be to work.. Why isn't she back yet? This is a wrinkle in our normal schedule. It's almost 4 am on a Wednesday morning and she's STILL not back.... the minutes seem to elongate, stretching out the possibilities. Where the hell is she? I'm scared to go to bed in case she never comes home but concerned about staying up for fear that I'll get bad news. Her parents would be very disappointed. Where the hell is she? 3:53 and still no sign. Where would they be now? Arizona? Mexico? Heaven? Hell? She said she likes him, but how much? Enough to throw away her life? Enough to fall asleep in his arms tonight? Enough to stay out until at least 4 in the damn morning? Pop a few more Tums. 3:54. Where the hell is she?

The Young and the Restless

New relationships are odd. There is so much tension, frustration, pheromones. You worry about what the other person thinks, feels, sees, smells, wants. You take your 14-piece Louis Vuitton set of emotional baggage into everything you and the other person do. It's terrifying but exhilarating all at the same time. You want so much for them to like you, do say that you are some how appealing. You want to shout out that you like them but there is an intense fear that the echo wont return. You want them to love you for your faults, even because of your faults. But it's a terrible flaw in our make-up because we expect them to love us regardless, yet we pick at them. We find their little imperfections and we pore salt and water in them to dissolve the edges until a small hole becomes a gigantic chasm that we fill with doubt and insecurity. I do this. I do this so much. In the words of the oh-so-famous Alice, "Curiouser and curiouser."