Hmm.

As I sit here, waiting for another student to come here their critique, I question why I'm here. How did I end up here? I feel like a completely different person from the little girl that considered ending it 4 years ago. Can someone change so much? Reading a friend's blog, he mentioned the idea that our "self" is merely a story. I wonder how my story reads? Why do we blog, anyway? We are simply telling our story. Is my "self" just a computer screen? Or is it my day to day activities? Is it how I react to things or how I get to the situations that cause my reaction. I wish I was more philosophical, more controlled, more self-motivated, more.. not my "self" but something much greater. Is it that aspiring for more what makes me who I am? Eventually the story must end and many times I wish I could skip to that part.

K, Really?

I am having a terrible night. I won't say it's the worst night because, believe me, I've had SO much worse. BUT this night is very frustrating. First, there's a guy I think I'm interested in. Problem: he is meant for my roommate. They were supposed to go on a date and fall madly in love. That's what was supposed to happen. That date hasn't happened yet, they've only talked a little, but I think she likes him so I can't break the rules and actively chase after him so I just have to wait and see if he decides he likes me. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I may start liking him. Second, the guy my friend is trying to set me up with and I still haven't had an actual conversation because there always seems to be some conflict, such as tonight, when they were all watching The Office so of course the two of us couldn't have deep conversations. In fact, I'm not sure he even looked at me. Again, I could easily see myself liking him IF we ever get around to talking. Third, the really cute guy I met and chatted with in my biology class, whom I later added on facebook, received an accidental message from me while I was playing around with my roommates. Yeah, that's right. I was playing around, saying "this is what I should say" and laughing... then oops... I hit send. It wasn't even a whole message! It was half a message! So, of course I had to finish it, or else he might think I'm sincerely mentally handicapped. Yeah, my togetherness and maturity astound even me. Fourth, I drove my roommates, the one that HAD swine flu and the one that HAS swine flu to Wendy's, which was closed, then to another Wendy's, which was also closed, and finally to Burger King, where my debit card was, for some reason, declined... lucky for us, the nice boy running the register gave us half our food for free. He's an angel. Now that I am back in my apartment, realizing I am course, unrefined, immature, bad with money, forgetful and, in general, losing it, I finally remember that I have a test tomorrow, which I haven't REALLY studied for, a 7:30 class (sleep? I don't think so) and I get another lovely batch of papers to edit from a class of students who are also having terrible nights as they try to throw something together in time to hand in to some young girl they've only met once. Oh, and the icing on my cupcake of a night? I get to tell them why their papers are bad and how they can improve and listen to them justify why they only turned in one paragraph and why I should write their paper for them. I hope only 3 are late this time.

Although tonight is frustrating and, admittedly, not my finest, I have had worse. Calling Child Protective Services on my mom? Worse. Telling my parents I have HPV? Worse. Getting the cops called on me by my "best" friend? Worse. I could go on, but really the nostalgia is making me a little sick to my stomach. Or maybe that's the cold pizza that's keeping me up while I study for this test. At any rate, I hope tomorrow goes better.

Thanks for the Memories? Not so much

I never thought I'd be were I am today. It's been almost a year since I found out I have HPV. Hopefully not cancer yet but I won't know until December. I never thought I'd have the memories I have. I never wanted to do what I've done and I don't expect the scars to ever fade but they're becoming less prominent. I'm sick of the obsessions and the past. I'm sorry to my parents, mostly. I don't know how they still love me but for some reason they do. I couldn't ask for more than what they've given me. I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling introverted today or maybe it's more the fact that 3 years ago at this time I was already sneaking around, already been on a couple drug deals, already been to parties, been around too many drugs, already a slut, already forgetting everything. One year ago I was thinking about changing my life, but lacking the courage and this year I'm regretting the past and wishing I could fast forward to the future.